Enjoying Our Children

In my parents’ photo album from 1974 is a fading picture  of my mother holding my baby brother and me.  I think it must have been Brian’s first birthday, and whoever took the picture (probably my dad) caught Mom in the middle of laughing.  It was always my favorite picture as I was growing up.  Most of our other pictures were actually taken by Mom, so she doesn’t make very many cameo appearances into our albums.  And even then, like most families, we tended to stop and smile for the camera instead of catching people in the middle of laughing at a funny event. 

 

My early reaction to that picture teaches me how much my kids long to be enjoyed.  I loved seeing my mom having so much fun with us.   Of all the responsibilities that we have with our children, and all of the life-lessons we find ourselves working on while the precious years seem to grow wings and fly away, one of the most important and most overlooked is the value of enjoying our children.  Kids yearn to be enjoyed.  They like to be around people who seem to appreciate their personalities and funny little quirks, people who aren’t constantly embarrassed when they act like normal children.  As our children grow older, they will someday find their way back to the people who actually liked them.  Clean carpets, hot dinners, and signed homework papers tell only part of the story of our parenting.  Do you really like your kids?  Do you enjoy their company?  And do they know it?

 

In the busy pace of our lives, many times this can seem like an option rather than a mandate.  We work so hard to keep food on the table, insurance bills paid, and braces on teeth.  We need to hurry up and get the yard done before company comes, and then we have projects around the house before the weather turns cold.  Before we know it, the seasons have clipped by, each with their own demands, and our children grow up without that picture in their mind of a mom laughing in a bear hug with the baby on her lap and a little girl admiring her smile.  Is there any way to capture the moments more carefully, so that our children feel cherished? 

 

1.  Be deliberate with gifts. 

 

It is easy to shower our children with things, until their shelves and closets are overflowing with “stuff” that will soon finds its way into a garage sale or a Goodwill donation box. 

 

Several years ago, we made a decision to give our kids the option of having an activity with us rather than tangible gifts for their birthday.  Since they had already received gifts for their birthday up until that point and might be looking forward to opening presents, we left it optional. But most of our kids have happily chosen activities over gifts. 

 

What we discovered was that we often needed that extra incentive to make the commitment of time and money for creative family adventures.  We are busy—often maddeningly so.  Jason works a regular bus route, in addition to pastoring a small church.  During the school year, it is not uncommon for him to work 70 hours a week of bus and ministry work.  Truthfully, we do not have the time or money for trips to the zoo, Cardinals games, archery ranges, the Science Center, or an all-day adventure on an eight-man raft down the Merrimac.  But the memories we have made--when we did things we didn’t have time for and found ways to sacrifice and pay for them!  Whatever toys we would have bought our kids five years ago would probably be in a Salvation Army by now, but instead we have the bond of shared memories together.

 

2. Catch time alone with your kids in small segments. 

 

Before we had any children, we used to talk about the fun things we would do with our kids.  I remember envisioning “daddy dates” and time alone with our children, just enjoying them.  Within a few short years, we were having new babies almost every other year!  Our exhaustion and our schedule made those dreams seem unrealistic.  Every trip to the store had an urgent purpose, and free time was usually spent catching a coveted rest until the baby woke up for a feeding.  Magazine articles about mothers who took their daughters on weekends away to a hotel, or stories about father-son camping excursions seemed frustratingly out of our reach. 

It was at that season of our lives that we invented what seemed ridiculously simple.  It was desperate attempt at catching minutes with our kids alone.  We named it “Ten Minutes,” and the simplistic name is self-explanatory.  Our older children were all at elementary age then, and they were learning how to wash the dishes. Each day of the school week, one of the older five was assigned to help with dishes.  Whoever was on dishes duty was privileged to get ten minutes of staying up later than the other kids and playing any game or reading any book they wanted with Dad and Mom.  We still laugh about all the times Jessica made us put together her Strawberry Shortcake puzzle—week, after week, after week.  Stories, Uno, Stratego, Junior Monopoly—they all made their way into our “Ten Minutes” arsenal.  As the kids grew, the ten minutes seemed to morph into 20 and 30.  But by then we didn’t care, because we realized how quickly time was fleeting. 

 

As the kids got older, “Ten Minutes” faded away.  They started staying up as late as we did (sometimes later), and the privilege of playing “Sorry!” at 8:30 had lost some of its luster.  Now we are working to recreate it with our younger boys.   When else do you play darts with your eleven-year-old?  There is always something that seems more important.  And suddenly, the kids are all grown up, and we realize that there really was nothing more important on those nights than catching the minutes—even just ten of them--before they slipped by.   

 

3.  Eat together as a family.

 

Every family schedule is different, and the Lord will have to show you when and how often to make this happen.  But sitting around a table fellowshipping is golden.  The dinner hour is often a “debriefing.”  Life throws some pretty crazy curveballs at us.  Our kids need a place to tell their stories and to gain perspective on things they have seen, heard, and felt throughout the day.  Some days it just feels better to sit and laugh about the events that transpired.  Meal times teach our children how to behave at a dinner table and how to be thankful for everything they are given.  Since I lean pretty heavily on my “dishes chart,” we often ask whoever is doing dishes that night to also help with preparing supper.  Additionally, the person who does Friday dishes has a special treat:  That’s the only night we make dessert, and they get to choose it, prepare it, and (of course) lick out the bowl.  “Friday dishes” is a coveted position around here! 

 

4.  Let your kids participate in family devotions. 

 

Whatever name you choose for your family Bible time, be sure that it’s not just a Lecture Series where the parents do all the talking.  Jason usually reads the Bible, and then he asks our kids to take turns reading a short article or chapter about missions.  We also keep a prayer list of names of our family, church members, and ministries to pray for regularly.  Jason will often assign a prayer request for each person to remember.  Josh always asks to pray for his favorite cousin—although we have had to cut our prayer time short a few times because everyone was laughing about whatever Josh decided to pray.  (Josh should probably have to pray last from now on!)

 

The other great benefit of having a family worship hour is that it’s a great opportunity to teach our kids how to think.  Many kids growing up in Christian homes know what to think, but not how.  Where does the Bible specifically say that it’s wrong to use cursing and profanity?  Why should Christians marry other Christians?  How do you know what God wants you to do someday with your life?  Examining social issues and current events from a Biblical perspective is good for our kids, too.  Does the Bible have anything to say about what happened in Ferguson, Missouri last week?  What if you were a Christian living in Syria right now, and you were threatened with your life for not converting to Islam?  Family conversations about the Bible remind our children that the Bible isn’t just an old Book; it’s a very relevant, current, and living Book.    

 

5.  Save time for relationships by encouraging independence. 

 

One of the reasons we moms sometimes do not have much time to be with our kids is that we are simply doing too much for them.  There are several important benefits to encouraging independence in our children.

 

First, it teaches children to value the work of others.  People who have not had to work hard for themselves rarely appreciate the work that others do for them.  It seems that it is often the hardest working people I know who are quick to say, “I don’t want to take much of your time on the phone today,” or who stop to thank me for some effort.  They value work because they know the cost personally. 

 

Secondly, independence teaches personal responsibility.   About a year ago, I came to the conclusion that although laundry is time-consuming, it really is not hard.  Therefore, it is not unreasonable to ask a ten-year-old (or his older siblings) to do laundry.  And that day, our kids inherited the job of doing their own laundry.  To be honest, I don’t really think about my kids’ laundry any more.  Every few days, I notice someone lugging their laundry bag over to the washer to wash their clothes, but it’s not my job any more.  I don’t keep track of it.  In fact, when we went to my parents’ house this summer and spent four days with my family (23 people under one roof!), a pair of unclaimed boys’ underwear showed up in the bathroom.  Someone asked if it belonged to one of my boys, but I said I had not seen it before.  Turns out, it was ours!  It had come in a bag of hand-me-downs along the way, and because I couldn’t remember ever washing it, I didn’t recognize it! 

 

My kids will tell you that laundry is not that much work when it’s just one load.  They pay closer attention to stains, and they do not change clothes every ten minutes like they used to!  J   Are you wearing yourself out working for your kids? 

 

Thirdly, independence is empowering.  Raising children with unnecessary dependence on their parents is selfish.  We mothers can find great fulfillment in meeting our children’s every need, but when our fulfillment strangles our children’s ability to grow, learn, and achieve, then we are living for ourselves.  Whether we like to admit it or not, our children are secretly much more interested in showing us what they can do than hearing about all the things that we can do for them.  Have you ever heard an adult bragging to a group of kids about how terrific they were (twenty-five years ago) at sports, music, school, or some other achievement?  The kids listen with a bored and barely tolerant expression.  All they want to do is get ahold of that football and see if they can throw it to the other side of the yard too.  We need to use our strengths to strengthen the ones coming behind us, not to clutch our trophies and force ourselves back into the limelight. 

 

6.  Beware of the Time Snatchers. 

 

I confess that I have never watched “Revenge of the Body Snatchers,” but I have had way too much experience with Time Snatchers.  Here’s the problem with Time Snatchers:  When someone or something steals my time, they are often stealing from my children. 

 

Sometimes people just don’t realize how much they are asking.  If we are less than honest about our time constraints or the promises we have made to our children, we are enabling someone else to encroach on time that rightfully belongs to our kids.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to please other people.  But remember:  When we give to others more than the Lord has asked us to give, we often are borrowing from our children’s Time Account.  And it’s very, very hard to pay that account back. 

 

Sometimes in ministry, there is the added temptation to give away our family time too freely because we are consumed with the needs of others.  We are deceived into thinking that we can afford to ignore our family’s needs while helping others.  I think most pastors’ families are much like ours—constantly surrounded by pressing needs.  It is easy for people who are not involved in ministry to underestimate how much their pastor is doing.  They want his attention, or his family’s attention, not realizing how crunched a pastor is for time and rest.  Those who serve faithfully alongside the pastor don’t have this false expectation.  They see him on Wednesday evening, at fellowships, and in other areas of service.  But for those who don’t understand this dilemma, sometimes we just have to be honest and gently say no. 

 

But it’s not just people, is it?  “Time Snatchers” can be things—hobbies, books, talking on the phone, Facebook, Pinterest, and shopping.  It’s hard to enjoy our children when we allow ourselves to feel distracted all the time.  Parenting takes energy and creativity.

I remember when Jonathan was a preschooler, playing in the backyard.  He was always coming to ask me to play with him.  He wanted to show me his castle in the sandbox, or a toad, or a how fast he could run.  It seemed that every day I was saying, “Just a minute.  Let me get this done first.”  And then the time would fast-forward, while I washed dishes, changed diapers, and sorted laundry.  One day as I gave Jonathan my usual answer, the Lord pricked my heart with a most painful reminder, “Someday he will stop asking.”  

 

And yours will too.  Enjoy them now.  Go out to the sandbox.  Laugh at their funny stories.  Make a fort, and eat dry cereal under the kitchen table.  Put down your phone, turn off the TV, and get off Facebook.  Don’t get a babysitter every time you go to the grocery store.  Let them stir the bowl, and set out the napkins, and push the button that makes the dryer start.  Let them into your life. 

 

A visiting evangelist once advised me, as my 6-year-old son followed him around all week chattering non-stop, “Listen to them now, and they will listen to you later.”  Great advice. 

Teaching Our Kids Standards

I remember an argument I had with my best friend in elementary school.  Her dad had said that lightning came from the ground, and I was pretty sure my dad said it came from the sky.  On and on we argued the afternoon away.  Her dad was smarter because he was an engineer for Goodyear.  Actually, my dad was smarter because he was an engineer for the City of Akron.  Her dad was smarter because he was older.  But that meant my dad was smarter because he would likely live longer.  A few years ago, while teaching 4^th grade homeschool, that silly argument came back out of nowhere when my kids and I studied lightning.  Turns out, my haughty little 8-year-old self had a few more things to learn about lightning:  Both arguments were partially right.   One more wasted afternoon from 1979. 

 

Sometimes it’s not about lightning.  There are many important issues of right and wrong that really do matter beyond winning an immediate debate—issues of discernment that I want to pass on to my children, and issues where not everyone can be right.  While any eight-year-old can argue about the source of lightning (especially if her dad is an engineer . . .), just what is the right attitude I need for teaching my children standards of right and wrong?   

 

How can I use legitimate methods for teaching holiness instead of making my standards sound like a meaningless argument about lightning, where everyone is just telling half of the story in order to win the debate? 

 

1.  Teach charitably. 

 

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass . . .”

 

Remember “The Gong Show”?  Even modern entertainers recognized the humiliation of  “sounding brass.” It just sounds foolish.  I wonder how many times I have become my own “gong show” by speaking the truth “with the tongues of angels” but lacking genuine love toward my audience!  God loves the people who disagree with me.  The sooner I catch up and love them too, the happier we all will be. 

 

This week at Goodwill, my kids and I stood in line behind a couple of individuals who were deliberately advertising a behavior that runs contrary to the Bible.  Jesus died for those people.  My children and I do not have the right to make fun of them or mimic them uncharitably.  Although I cannot compromise the truth, those individuals still need to see the love of Jesus in every one of my interactions with them.  

 

2.  Teach humbly.

 

“Only by pride cometh contention.” 

 

Those of us who were wired with the “Combat Code” have to face something:  Contentious disagreements are always about pride.  That little word “only” is telling.  A humble person can convey spiritual truth in a gracious way that edifies the listener instead of igniting him.  We squander the truth when we use it as a weapon rather than an instrument of love.  I am afraid I sometimes relate more to Moses when he murdered the Egyptian than when he was “slow of speech” so many years later.  

 

Do I teach my kids standards with a combative attitude, condemning others who are “on the outside,” or arguing so passionately with my family that my own children cannot be honest about their own struggles with certain rules and standards?  Do I bully weaker people into complying with my standards instead of patiently teaching them?  Intimidation is not a legitimate form of discipleship.

 

3.  Teach compassionately.

 

Our attitude toward others hinges on this summarizing statement of Romans 14:  “Destroy not thy brother with meat, for whom Christ died.” 

 

One of the purposes for standards is compassion.  If a weaker person is offended (literally “caused to stumble into sin”) because of something I am doing, I need to stop.  Not because that behavior is sinful (and it might not be!), but because someone else’s walk with the Lord matters more than whatever “rights” I am protecting.  Compassion doesn’t just lecture the weaker brother to stop sinning.  It lends a hand. 

 

If I have a friend who is trying to overcome a gripping addiction to alcohol, suddenly my awareness of alcohol is heightened.  Do she and I really need to cut through the beer garden at the fair on our way to the tractor pull?  Do we want to lunch at Pizza Hut (my favorite pizza place!)—or should we just do a family restaurant, where there aren’t bottles of beer plunked down on the table next to us? What was once innocent for me has now become off-limits when I am with her, because I am accepting the confines of my friend’s weakness. 

 

Lest anyone is tempted to cry “legalism,” let’s make an important distinction:  Legalism puts rules before people.  Compassion imposes rules on self because of people.   The label “ . . . for whom Christ died” is a price tag.  This person has value that is much greater than meat—or restaurants, or clothes, or DVD’s, or whatever rights we are tempted to hang onto.  We need to teach our kids that standards aren’t just about us.  The weaker Christian matters too.

 

 

4.  Teach Biblically.

Someone else has wisely observed that the Bible is a collection of both principles and rules.  So where does the Bible say, “Thou shalt not take heroin”?  Good question!  It’s found in the same place where the Bible says not to drive off a cliff going 120 mph, or not to shoot a police officer.  It’s in the principles.  If the Bible contained only rules, it would be longer than the Affordable Healthcare Act—and equally unread. 

 

Our fundamental job as moms is to teach our children the principles in the Bible.  Secondarily, we find methods for practicing those principles.  When we focus entirely on the methods and miss the principles, it’s usually only a matter of time before the methods are lost as well.  Let me illustrate in a personal way: 

 

As most of you know, our family is quite conservative in our dress.  It’s a choice we have made, and since today’s post isn’t about dress, I won’t spend too much time here explaining our dress standards.  But to be honest with you, it can be easy for us to focus on the “methods” of achieving godly dress and to entirely miss the principle at stake:  raising up modest, godly, feminine girls!  Letting our daughters show up for church in sloppy tee-shirts, matched up with ill-fitting culottes or over-washed, under-sized skirts, is not what I Peter 3 is talking about!  The principle has been buried under the method. 

 

Any area of separation that we teach our children—whether it’s about music, relationships, activities, substances, etc.—needs to be pointed back to its founding principle in every method we practice.  Otherwise we end up with strange dichotomies in our standards:  Parents who eschew strong drink but rely on sleeping pills for the exact same effects; and homeschoolers who don’t have any “bad” friends but follow Kardashians and rock stars on their Twitter feed.  Leaning exclusively on methods while ignoring Biblical principles is a recipe for scorning and hypocrisy. 

 

 ************************************************************************

 

Our kids were created for Christ’s glory.  Raising up holy kids is all about delivering back to God the precious gifts He entrusted us, in a package He can use for His praise. 

 

“ . .  not seeking mine own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved.”  (I Corinthians 10:33)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To My Younger Self

My year of reflection has begun.  We now have two seniors in high school (twins), and it seems that every day the last 17 and a half years of my life flash past me.  As I watch Jonathan and Jessica getting ready for the commencement of their adult years—signing up for their final year of homeschool with classes like Physics and Government, preparing for their SAT and ACT, and beginning to apply for college and consider their majors, I can’t help but review the last two decades with wonderment at how quickly it went by as well as hope that we have indeed done what God commissioned us to do on that chilly fall day, when we rode gingerly home for the first time and watched for the whole ride to make sure those two little heads were still upright and secure in their backwards-facing car seats.  I now have photo albums and plastic totes bulging with the memories that have filled up our days since that significant moment in 1996.   

           

This review process inevitably exposes the influences that shaped this past season of our lives—many good, some not so good, all of them significant.   A step back from my memory bank allows me to see a trend—a sort of graph that shows my tendency to pull back and forth, like a pendulum, from permissive to harsh, and then back again.  If I could go back to that car ride in 1996 and tell my younger self a word or two . . . it would be about that pendulum.  Beware the pendulum. 

 

Beware of parenting by “books” rather than by “The Book.”  Measure new methods against Scripture.  I remember reading a book once by an author who was later accused of formulating his ideas and then “baptizing them with Scripture.”  No one has the right to take Scripture out of context, no matter how noble their goal may be.  The trend of parenting books in the 1990’s tended to encourage a sort of antagonistic relationship between parent and child, as though our only mission this side of heaven was to establish authority and to win at any cost.  Current trends are reacting to this and seem to be angled toward more permissive, child-led parenting—which is just as unhealthy and dangerous.  Get the Book. 

 

Beware of the pressures that stretch a family apart.  Those early years are priceless.  Be together.  Beware of ministries, friends, jobs, and hobbies that constantly pull you apart as a family.   Your kids will not naturally become just like you.  They will naturally become like those they are with the most.   Fill up those memory banks and give your kids lots of reasons to believe they are loved.   

 

Beware of spoiling.  You love your child more than anyone else does, so don’t leave the difficult work of character refinement up to the bus driver, the principal, or the manager at Moto Mart.  Spoiled children have harder lives than strong children because they are not as prepared for the realities of life.  The Bible offers this singular criticism of King David’s parenting of Absalom:  “And his father had not displeased him at any time in saying, Why hast thou done so?”  (I Kings 1:6).   Absalom died by getting stabbed with lethal darts while hanging by his hair from a tree.  Whatever small displeasure David had spared Absalom by not disturbing him with accountability certainly came back with manifold vengeance! 

 

And finally, beware of pride.  We are not perfect parents.  Beware of defensiveness that doesn’t want to hear what anyone else sees us doing wrong.  Beware of arrogance that can’t apologize to a child for an unjust accusation or a harsh response.  Beware of conceit that wants a child to meet outward expectations and earn public praise rather than focusing on the “hidden man of the heart.” 

 

Young moms,  I know you get tired of hearing us glibly tell you to “enjoy every second” with your little one, as you wipe formula off your sweater and wearily brace yourself for another long night of colic.  Maybe don’t enjoy those difficult times.  But appreciate them.   Someday you will stumble across those tiny pink snuggly pajamas—the ones with the little feet and the formula stain on the front, and you will be thankful that you didn’t give in to the frustration and weariness of those long nights.  You will be glad that you stopped for a second kiss goodnight when she finally drifted asleep, just as the sun was starting to thin the darkness, and that you let your eyes snap a picture of  that still form one more time before you went to bed. 

 

Because when you wake up, she will be grown.  I know.    

 

 

 

 

Manipulation

My first childhood friends were two little boys who lived on my street—Billy and Shawn.  We were all about three years of age, and we played together in each other’s yards.  One summer day, while we were playing on my swing set, I cut my finger on the ragged edge of one of the chain links.  (Children born after 1990 will not relate to this, but backyard equipment wasn’t always covered in protective plastic.  Times were hard, back in the day . . .).  My injury was pretty severe and required at least one Band-aid, as I recall.  After being treated with a little First Aid from my mom, I returned outside, gingerly favoring my finger, and settled back down onto my swing with the following announcement:  “Since I’m hurt, you have to pick me flowers.”   Neither Billy nor Shawn had a sister--and thus were not schooled in the wiles of a woman.  And so they picked flowers for me.  Poor little me, swinging carefully with one hand cradled so that my finger would not fall off, while they ran around the yard like slaves, grabbing dandelions and clover, bestowing me with bouquets to offer condolences for my suffering.  It was a glorious day. 

 

Manipulation is fun.  Not gonna lie.  Sometimes you just need some flowers. 

 

But manipulation is more than fun.  It’s a form of disrespect and deception, and unfortunately, it’s a temptation for all of us.  It’s the tool of victims, the badge of desperation that announces—more loudly than we realize—“The truth alone isn’t strong enough to accomplish what I want.” 

 

I wish I could tell you that I have never used manipulation on anyone since the Backyard Swing Incident of 1974.  But it’s human nature to dabble in areas that we ought to leave to God and others.  Maybe I’m not the only one who has been tempted to manipulate.  Sometimes we parents and teachers give in to our children's manipulative behavior, thereby reinforcing it.  Any behavior that tries to maneuver competent decision makers into doing what they would not choose to do is manipulation.  And it takes on a few disguises . . . 

 

1.  Victimization 

 

Victimization seeks sympathy or complements out of others.  I like the quote I heard recently:  “Whining announces to predators that there is a victim in the room.”  Coerced sympathy doesn’t satisfy—which is why it has to be repeated. All of us need to rise to our challenges and claim the promise of Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”  Parents, when we adjust the rules or the demands in favor of whining and pouting, we are rewarding selfishness and raising manipulators who will exercise their skill on others someday.

 

2.  Threats

 

“If you make me run that far, I will quit the team.” 

Older children know what is expected of them, and therefore they sometimes think they have a bargaining tool.  I had a boy at church once who refused to use a seatbelt in my van.  Of course, we could not leave the parking lot until he was belted.  When I reached across to buckle him, he growled, "I will bite you!"  Maybe he would; maybe he wouldn't.  I kind of like my skin, so I called his mom.  He rode home in her vehicle, in a seatbelt.  Threats of bad behavior should never be allowed to win the desired outcome, or Mom, you have just signed up for more of the same.  We need to ask the Lord to show us where there is truly an actual problem ("When I eat that food, it makes me feel sick.") and when we are being toyed with.   

 

3.  Anger and scenes

 

I once watched a mother at Dollar General, arguing with her pre-schooler over a toy. The little girl wanted a doll, and the mother kept saying, “No!”  Over and over the little girl argued, until finally she was crying and stomping her feet.  In exasperation the mother grabbed the toy and said, “Oh, fine!”  and put it into the cart!  Well played, Little Girl!   Had that mother simply marched her daughter out of the store and said, “You will never get anything you cry for,” a hundred battles would have been won that day.   

 

And a word of warning to parents of toddlers:  Two-year-olds are teenagers in training.  There’s a lot riding on the battles you wage today over toys, vegetables, and bedtimes.  Win lovingly.  Win well.    

 

4.  Falsehood

 

Presenting partial truths is a tool for altering other people’s perceptions and claiming victory.  Advertisers do this every day in the form of crafted commercials.  Sometimes it helps me to ask myself, “If this person knew more information, would it change their decision?”   Manipulation is subtle, and the Bible says that we don’t even know our own hearts completely.  “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it?” 

 

5.  Drama and comedy

 

 A common tool of the “class clown,” drama and comedy shift authority to the one who is getting the focus.  Making jokes when it’s time to be serious; creating conflict and drama when the attention ought to be elsewhere; crying over things that don’t call for tears—all of these are handy for distracting attention from the real issues at hand and affecting other people’s decisions. 

 

For those whose lives are filled with drama, Proverbs reminds us where “drama” finds its source:  “Only by pride cometh contention.” 

 

6.  Public Warfare

 

In my classes at church, I simply send children back to the adult service if they are determined to contest me publically, because I know that everyone is watching to see if they will win.   Sometimes we moms and teachers just need to say, “We’re done talking.”  Public warfare lures us into conversations that almost inevitably lead us to say more than we should say. 

 

I can’t really talk about public warfare without mentioning Facebook.  I think we all have made the mistake, somewhere along the way, of attending an argument we should have declined.   Publically chastising someone through a Facebook status—when there are usually at least 250 other innocent bystanders who will read that status and wonder what they did to earn the scolding—is not only unfair.  It’s unbiblical.  It draws outsiders into a personal dispute.  If it’s worth mentioning at all, then it’s worth mentioning in private (Matthew 18).  And if it’s not worth a personal confrontation, then it probably falls under the “forebear and forgive” category.    

 

7.  Silence and withholding relationships

 

It sounds noble, since it’s the polar opposite from the methods of our Public Warfare and Drama Queen manipulators.  But silence is not always golden. 

 

I love the cartoon I once saw of the husband and wife on each side of their bed:  with a fence of curled barbed wire dividing them.  The husband looks over and says meekly to his wife, “Apparently I have done something to offend you?” 

 

Poor Jason.  He has had to reach across barbed wire a few times in the last nineteen years to make restititution.  And when he did, I was the one in the wrong, no matter what he had originally done to make me upset.  To hold a silent grudge is to live in the assumption that the other person cannot change.   

 

 

 

God is in the business of changing people (most of all--me!), and He loves the person I may be tempted to manipulate.  To live by faith is to trust the Lord to handle my life without using deception and disrespect.  God is big enough for that task! 

 

 

What No Longer Matters

When all that matters is Jesus and His kingdom, there is a long list of things that no longer matter to me. 

 

1.  What others think of me

2.  What I think of others

3.  What I will obtain in this life

4.  Who gets the credit

5.  Who gets the blame

6.   Why it happened

7.  Why they have more

8.  Why I have less

9.  It wasn’t supposed to be this way

10.  Discomfort

11.  No one understands

12.  Insults

13.  I can’t                       

14.  The past

15.  The future

16.  Other people’s decisions

17.  Who worked harder

18.  Who deserves more

19.  It’s not fair

20.  People get away with sin

21.  What I don’t like about myself

22.  What doesn’t change

 

 . . . and 100 more. 

 

 

 

We took a missions trip in 1998 to Yucatan, Mexico for a week with our youth group.  While we were there, we met a Mexican national pastor who lived in a small, cinder-block home.  He worked 12 hours a day on highway construction, 5 – 6 days a week, and then served as the senior pastor of his church.  He had two teenage daughters, and he asked us to pray that he would someday be able to raise about $600.00 so that he could add an enclosure to his makeshift “bathroom,” so that his teenage daughters could take showers without fear of neighbors seeing them. 

 

I’ve never forgotten that pastor.  Whenever life has seemed “unfair,” and whenever I have been tempted to focus on myself and on the inequities of life—secretly wondering how pastors can join golf clubs while my husband gets up every morning at 4:30 to drive a school bus—the face of that Mexican pastor comes to my mind.  I’m sure he is still working on blistering hot highways to make a living.  No, Kristie, life isn’t fair.  You have a ceiling fan at night, an indoor bathroom, and three meals a day while one of God’s most dedicated servants bathes outside.  It's not fair.   

 

It was John the Baptist who said, “He must increase and I must decrease.”  And he did.  It was his severed head that was eventually served up for entertainment at Herod’s banquet.  There is hardly a more devastating way to decrease. 

 

And so we accept that the purpose and mission of this life is not about us at all:  It's all about Jesus.  We lay all of our questions at His feet and “let patience have her perfect work.”  God can use anything in His recipe for good to shape us into His image and to achieve His perfect will.

                         

Remember--He once used a cross.