My first childhood
friends were two little boys who lived on my street—Billy and Shawn. We were all about three years of age, and we
played together in each other’s yards.
One summer day, while we were playing on my swing set, I cut my finger
on the ragged edge of one of the chain links.
(Children born after 1990 will not relate to this, but backyard
equipment wasn’t always covered in protective plastic. Times were hard, back in the day . . .). My injury was pretty severe and required at
least one Band-aid, as I recall. After
being treated with a little First Aid from my mom, I returned outside, gingerly
favoring my finger, and settled back down onto my swing with the following
announcement: “Since I’m hurt, you have
to pick me flowers.” Neither Billy nor Shawn had a sister--and thus
were not schooled in the wiles of a woman.
And so they picked flowers for me. Poor little me, swinging carefully with one
hand cradled so that my finger would not fall off, while they ran around the
yard like slaves, grabbing dandelions and clover, bestowing me with bouquets to
offer condolences for my suffering. It
was a glorious day.
Manipulation
is fun. Not gonna lie. Sometimes you just need some flowers.
But
manipulation is more than fun. It’s a
form of disrespect and deception, and unfortunately, it’s a temptation for all
of us. It’s the tool of victims, the
badge of desperation that announces—more loudly than we realize—“The truth alone
isn’t strong enough to accomplish what I want.”
I wish I
could tell you that I have never used manipulation on anyone since the Backyard
Swing Incident of 1974. But it’s human
nature to dabble in areas that we ought to leave to God and others. Maybe I’m not the only one who has been
tempted to manipulate. Sometimes we
parents and teachers give in to our children's manipulative behavior, thereby reinforcing it. Any behavior
that tries to maneuver competent decision makers into doing what they would not
choose to do is manipulation. And it
takes on a few disguises . . .
1. Victimization
Victimization
seeks sympathy or complements out of others.
I like the quote I heard recently:
“Whining announces to predators that there is a victim in the room.” Coerced sympathy doesn’t satisfy—which is why
it has to be repeated. All of us need to rise to our challenges and claim the
promise of Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ which
strengtheneth me.” Parents, when we
adjust the rules or the demands in favor of whining and pouting, we are rewarding
selfishness and raising manipulators who will exercise their skill on others
someday.
2. Threats
“If you make
me run that far, I will quit the team.”
Older children know what is expected of them, and therefore they sometimes think they have a bargaining tool. I had a boy at church once who refused to use a seatbelt in my van. Of course, we could not leave the parking lot until he was belted. When I reached across to buckle him, he growled, "I will bite you!" Maybe he would; maybe he wouldn't. I kind of like my skin, so I called his mom. He rode home in her vehicle, in a seatbelt. Threats of bad behavior should never be allowed to win the desired outcome, or Mom, you have just signed up for more of the same. We need to ask the Lord to show us where there is truly an actual problem ("When I eat that food, it makes me feel sick.") and when we are being toyed with.
3. Anger and scenes
I once
watched a mother at Dollar General, arguing with her pre-schooler over a toy.
The little girl wanted a doll, and the mother kept saying, “No!” Over and over the little girl argued, until
finally she was crying and stomping her feet.
In exasperation the mother grabbed the toy and said, “Oh, fine!” and put
it into the cart! Well played,
Little Girl! Had that mother simply
marched her daughter out of the store and said, “You will never get anything you
cry for,” a hundred battles would have been won that day.
And a word
of warning to parents of toddlers:
Two-year-olds are teenagers in training.
There’s a lot riding on the battles you wage today over toys,
vegetables, and bedtimes. Win
lovingly. Win well.
4. Falsehood
Presenting
partial truths is a tool for altering other people’s perceptions and claiming
victory. Advertisers do this every day
in the form of crafted commercials. Sometimes
it helps me to ask myself, “If this person knew more information, would it
change their decision?” Manipulation is subtle, and the Bible says that
we don’t even know our own hearts completely.
“The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can
know it?”
5. Drama and comedy
A common tool of the “class clown,” drama and
comedy shift authority to the one who is getting the focus. Making jokes when it’s time to be serious;
creating conflict and drama when the attention ought to be elsewhere; crying
over things that don’t call for tears—all of these are handy for distracting
attention from the real issues at hand and affecting other people’s
decisions.
For those
whose lives are filled with drama, Proverbs reminds us where “drama” finds its
source: “Only by pride cometh
contention.”
6. Public Warfare
In my
classes at church, I simply send children back to the adult service if they are
determined to contest me publically, because I know that everyone is watching
to see if they will win. Sometimes we moms and teachers just need to
say, “We’re done talking.” Public
warfare lures us into conversations that almost
inevitably lead us to say more than we should say.
I can’t
really talk about public warfare without mentioning Facebook. I think we all have made the mistake,
somewhere along the way, of attending an argument we should have declined. Publically chastising someone through a
Facebook status—when there are usually at least 250 other innocent bystanders
who will read that status and wonder what they did to earn the scolding—is not
only unfair. It’s unbiblical. It draws outsiders into a personal dispute. If it’s worth mentioning at all, then it’s
worth mentioning in private (Matthew 18).
And if it’s not worth a personal confrontation, then it probably falls
under the “forebear and forgive” category.
7. Silence and withholding relationships
It sounds
noble, since it’s the polar opposite from the methods of our Public Warfare and
Drama Queen manipulators. But silence is
not always golden.
I love the
cartoon I once saw of the husband and wife on each side of their bed: with a fence of curled barbed wire dividing them. The husband looks over and says meekly to his
wife, “Apparently I have done something to offend you?”
Poor
Jason. He has had to reach across barbed
wire a few times in the last nineteen years to make restititution. And when he did, I was the one in the
wrong, no matter what he had originally done to make me upset. To
hold a silent grudge is to live in the assumption that the other person cannot
change.
God is in
the business of changing people (most of all--me!), and He loves the person I
may be tempted to manipulate. To live by
faith is to trust the Lord to handle my life without using deception and
disrespect. God is big enough for that
task!
