Pondering Pronouns

We Yankees like to tease our Rebel friends for their favorite word:  “Ya’ll.”  But to be truthful, we’re just secretly jealous that we didn’t think of it first.  What an amazing word!  Not only are there NO rules pertaining to usage (how cool is that?), but it’s like a universal part:  It works anywhere. 

 

Sometimes it’s a subject:  “Are ya’ll going to the game tonight?” 

Sometimes it’s an object:  “I’d just like to thank ya’ll for coming to my party!” 

And sometimes it’s even possessive:  “Is ya’lls coffee hot enough?” 

 

Sadly, for many years, there was no such word up North.  But we’re a persistent bunch, here in the land of blowing snow, tornadoes, and unsweetened tea.  Over time, we finally landed on an alternative:  “you guys.”  Although it can seem mildly offensive to people who resist being called “guys,” you need to understand something about the North:  Everyone is a guy.  You’re a guy; I’m a guy; Grandma’s a guy.  Everybody’s a guy.  Little action figures are “army guys.”  Cereal box toys, Little People, Lego men, Baseball figures—they’re all just “guys”.  Your hamster is a cute “little guy,” and your neighbor’s Doberman is a “big guy.”  The jogger down the road is a “running guy,” and the garbage collector is a “trash guy.” When your fridge breaks down, you call the “repair guy,” and when your laptop gets a virus you call the “computer guy.”  It may not be as endearing as “ya’ll,” but that’s just what the Civil War got us. 

 

So you guys—what about “your” and “you’re”?   For those who stubbornly INSIST on proper usage, instead of the vernacular, here are some quick and easy ways to keep those pronouns straight: 

 

 

1.  “Your” is possessive--and it never, ever gets to have an apostrophe. 

Life is just not fair that way.  So if you say “yours,” leave off the apostrophe.  There is no such thing as “your’s.”    

 

          “This land is my land. This land is your land.”   

          “Yours truly,  Abe Lincoln ” 

 

2.  “You’re” is always replacing the more formal “you are.” 

The apostrophe is literally replacing a missing letter (“a”) in the word “are.” 

 

          “You’re my best friend .”

 

In one sentence, here’s how they look together: 

 

        “You’re not the only one who is affected by your temper.” 

 

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Now that we tackled that, let’s move on to something even bigger.  Put on your mask:  The grammar’s getting pretty thick in here . . .

 

There.  Their.  They’re.

 

These three words sound exactly the same but have completely unrelated meanings.  (If you never felt sorry for immigrants trying to learn our crazy language, today is a good day to start.)

 

1.  “There” always means “not here.” 

It even has “here” tucked in there, as a helpful clue.

 

          “The game will not be held here; it is over there.”     

                                      

2.  “They’re” always means “they are.” 

Again, that apostrophe is warning us of a missing letter. 

 

          “They’re coming at 5:00.”   

 

3.  “Their” is always possessive (showing ownership). 

This is the plural form of “his” and “her”.    

 

          “Their car has a huge dent in the side.”

 

Again, add an “s” if you must, but leave off that apostrophe: 

 

          “I think that dog might be theirs.” 

 

 

 

For fun, this is what a sentence looks like with all three forms used together:

 

        They’re over there shopping for their school outfits. 

 

See?  That wasn’t so bad.  Ya’ll did great!  And you guys too.  J

Deacon Fund Application

We have had several people ask for copies of our Deacon Fund Application, for use in their churches.  Anyone who asks for financial assistance from our church fills this out and returns it to our deacon at an actual church service. 

First, we ask the person to attend at least one church service before their application will be considered, which allows us to give the gospel and not just monetary assistance.   It also protects us from those who would try to demand immediate assistance, without giving us time to think or pray about the situation. 

Secondly, our deacon reviews all the applications and makes the final decision.  My husband is the pastor, and I am usually the one who answers the phone when someone calls for help.  Jason and I do not make any of the decisions regarding how the money is spent (since it was the deacons of the early church who distributed to the needy).  We do not count offerings or keep track of who tithes.   This has been very liberating for me, since most people would be tempted to try to manipulate me into giving them money.  Since I do not have access to any of the money in our church, I am able to tell them to come to the next service and fill out the application.  It has also allowed me to explain to people why it matters so much for them to hear the gospel.  I remind them, "One hundred years from now, it will not matter to you that we gave you a bag of groceries.  It will matter to you that we showed you how to know for sure that you are going to heaven."  

DEACON FUND APPLICATION

The Deacon Fund is an important ministry of Believers Baptist Church.  It exists to help those who are truly in financial need due to unexpected circumstances.  We believe that the best way we can help the needy is by (1) introducing them to our Savior, Jesus Christ; (2) meeting immediate necessities; and (3) helping them to establish financial responsibility.  If you would like to be considered for help from the Deacon Fund, please complete and return this form in person when you attend one of our services.  After we receive this form, we will contact you within a week. 

 

1.  Personal  information: 

 

Name:  ___________________________________________________________________

 

Address (street, city, state, zip) ________________________________________________

 

Phone number:  __________________________________________

 

2.  Do you currently attend church?  ______________ If so, where? ______________________

 

3.  How many adults live at the home? _________________  How many children?  _______

 

4.  Are you employed?  ________________  If so, where?  ______________________________

 

5.  Do you use:  Cigarettes?  _________   Alcohol?  ___________  Drugs?  _______________

 

6.  Have you applied to the Carrollton Ministerial Alliance or other organizations for this need?  _________________

 

7.  Are you receiving public aid of any kind (LINK, WIC, Medicaid, etc.)?  __________________

 

8.  Would you be willing to let our church help you establish a financial budget?  _____________

 

9.  Briefly explain the circumstances that have led to your need for financial assistance:  ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

10.  I have filled out this application honestly and accurately. 

 

Applicant’s signature:  __________________________________________________

 

Date:  ___________

What Bossy Big Sisters Know about Parenting

I admit it:  I was (and maybe still am) the bossy big sister.  While it didn’t always serve me very well when I tried out my administrative skills on my brothers, there are a few things I learned from my vast experience at making demands and executing orders (at least until my brothers grew taller than me). 

 

There is a reason why oldest children are statistically more likely to hold a position of authority in a company, and maybe part of it is that we have had more time to learn from our managerial mistakes.  Our rebellious little subjects (also known as “siblings”) had a few lessons for us over the years.  Here have been a few of mine: 

 

1.  Make Only Credible Threats.

 

As the oldest child, I was technically the landowner of everything in our whole house, since I had been there first (26 months, to be exact).  Therefore I viewed my brothers as “squatters,” nomadic little gypsies who had suddenly appeared on the premises without any of their own capital, borrowing property without my express permission. 

 

One day, I went downstairs and noticed my brothers playing with a toy I wanted.  When they refused to turn it over to my custody, I was forced to make the following very sad announcement:  “Today I will be running away.” 

 

The response I got was amazing!  Eric started crying, and Brian handed over the toy without argument.  I was Queen for the Day!  Or at least the hour.  When I went back later to try that line again, Brian’s exact words (and I’m quoting here) were:  “Go ahead.”  He actually said that!  I had hoped he might miss me a little. But alas, he had called my bluff.  To my memory, that wonderful line was never able to be used again.

Every time I hear a mom at Walmart say, “If you don’t stop that, I’m leaving you in this store!”  a little voice from my childhood springs up in my head.  “Go ahead.”  At McDonald’s playland, when some mother announces (to everyone in hearing distance), “You kids get down right now, or I’m leaving you here all night!”, I hear him chirping again.  “Go ahead.”  When she threatens to mail the children to Beijing for arguing in the car, or call the police on a six-year-old who won’t pick up his bookbag, or send them to boarding school for not making their beds, he snorts.  “Go ahead.” 

 

Experienced debaters know to put forth their best arguments first.  When parents start out with a lie, they not only discredit their own honesty, but they are also announcing to the world that they don’t have any better argument for making their child obey than a pretty wild tale no one really believes.  Surely we have better reasons for our kids to mind us. 

 

2.  Turn off the Tears

 

It’s hard to believe, but my brothers once accused me of crying on purpose to persuade Mom to side with me.  (Imagine that!)  Sometimes I was really crying real tears, too!  Apparently crying manipulatively once (or twice . . .) ruled out the remote possibility that I might be sincere on occasion.   My brothers had hearts of stone. 

 

It sounds spiritual—standing in the kitchen, Bible in hand, weeping quietly as you tell the pre-pubescents why it pains your heart when they argue over whose turn it is to lick out the brownie bowl.  You close with a short hymn and a prayer—and they glare at one another with the silent accusation, “You are a bad brother.  You just made Mom cry!”  They are truly sad.  The second time tears are invoked, they are embarrassed.  Why is she crying again?  It was a math paper!  The third time, they are angry.  This is starting to smell like manipulation. 

 

Remember, if you and I cry every time someone complains about doing dishes, we are just dulling our knives for the real work that lies ahead, when much bigger tasks arise-- issues much more worthy of our tears.  By then, our kids will be desensitized to seeing us cry.  There is a place for a mother’s tears.  Just don’t let your kids get used to seeing them for petty things. 

 

3.  Big Messes don’t always equal Big Sins

 

We once had a babysitter who would come to watch us on occasion while our parents went out.   Since she happened to be having a crush on our next door neighbor, we sometimes enjoyed an evening of independence, fighting and chasing each other around the property while Betsy tried to get Bob’s attention in the back yard.  On one of those evenings, my brother Brian took a shortcut over the edge of the flower bed while he was racing around and accidentally stepped on a tulip.  Tragically, a flower actually died that night.  It was the saddest sight:  I even made my mom a card about it, knowing she would be devastated and would need to hear the news from me personally.  My card included illustrations (to identify exactly which flower had perished) and pictures of large tear drops. It was a sort of sympathy card, in honor of the passing away of a flower.   My mom thought it was so hilarious she saved the card (not exactly the response I was expecting).  They even let my brother stay in the family. 

 

Big messes don’t always mean big sins.  When I see parents tearing into their kids for a spilled cup of milk (big mess), but ignoring rolled eyes, sullen attitudes, and rudeness (big sins), I am reminded of my panic over a tulip.  Some kids have heard more about tracked mud, kool-aid stains, and toppled vases than they have about their ipod music, their treatment of siblings, or their inappropriate innuendos and pictures on Facebook.  Do we discipline more for inconvenience and carpet stains than we do for real sin? 

 

4.  Micromanagers don’t get no respect. 

 

Being the only sister in our family, I had my own room.  It was Control-Freak Heaven.  The dolls always wore clothes, and even the items in my drawers were arranged in length-order.  As early as the third grade, I alternated between organizing my book shelf by author (alphabetically) and height (short to tall).  And no one touched my stuff. 

 

One Sunday afternoon, after making sure that everything in my bedroom passed final white-glove inspection , I ventured out to the living room to read the Sunday comics.  Something about my room tempted Brian.  Being a little more “arbitrary” in his system of order, he enjoyed upsetting the balance of nature every so often.  This happened to be one of those days.  He found a little tub where I kept fake money.  (You never know when you might need a $500.00 bill.)  Each bill was carefully pressed and rubber-banded according to denomination, and the coins were literally balanced in perfect columns, according to their fake values, like some sort of art exhibit.  It was the perfect storm.

 

Lying on the floor reading Family Circus, I was suddenly baptized with counterfeit money, thanks to Brian.  My precious little plastic coins flew everywhere, flooding down upon me and bouncing off the comic strip page.  Would you believe I cried over that?  I think perfectionism might be a form of sickness.  (Good news:  My house today indicates that I am fully recovered.)    

 

 I feel sorry for kids who have to live in sanitized museums.  I’m not talking about getting rid of cockroaches; I’m talking about getting rid of crayons because they pose too much hazard. Houses are havens, not show-and-tell exhibits.  Kids are supposed to build forts with blankets, desks, and chairs, and make castles out of blocks, legos, and Lincoln Logs.  There are supposed to be books facedown on end tables, and the occasional stray sock where a toddler got too warm from jumping on the bed (when no one was looking).  Remember, only hospitals have walls without fingerprints.  And if you don’t have any popcorn under your sofa, you need to work on that. 

 

I learned all that—way back when I used to be Queen of the World.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Protecing Our Children's Innocence

I found myself reading another story recently:  Another church facing unsavory publicity because they did not handle a predator correctly.  The abuse continued, a man is in jail, children have been scarred for life, and a pastor has more questions than answers right now. 

 

What can we do to protect our children from this poison?  This does not have to be inevitable!  Here are seven things we adults can do to protect the innocence of these children God has entrusted to us: 

 

1.  Pray.  “The horse is prepared against the day of battle, but safety is of the Lord.”  (Proverbs 21:31).  God is not discounting the preparation, but He is emphasizing His own power in this battle.  We need to pray for our kids every day.  Pray for wisdom—God promises to give it (James 1:5).  Pray that sin will be exposed and judged.  Pray that our children will be safe from evil people who would serve as instruments of Satan.    

 

 

2.  Handle things God’s way in the church.  I’m amazed at how poorly many churches handle this issue.  This is our world, and this issue is not going away.  If churches and ministries would use wisdom on an administrative level, our children will be safer to begin with. 

 

Galatians 6:1 commands the spiritual people in the church (not necessarily just the pastor) to “restore” sinners. Ladies, you and I are generally not part of the decision-making structure of the church, but most of us have found an audience with our husbands.  Please urge your husband, and pray for your pastor, not to hide this sin in the church.  To put it bluntly:  If a sex offender attends your church, he ought to be identified by name and photo to every member.  Some churches do not allow predators to attend at all, or to attend when children are present.  Those are also wise steps that reflect a serious attitude toward the situation. 

 

But other churches and ministries are hiding these individuals and keeping their secret for them.  Trying to restore a predator by allowing him to be surrounded by children publically, with no warning to parents, is like trying to restore an alcoholic by letting him live in a beer garden.  Certain sins bring with them a bondage to addiction.  A heroin abuser must acknowledge his lifelong addiction and therefore surround himself with a strong network.  Predators can repent and get saved, but the addiction is theirs until they go to heaven.  A private Bible study with the pastor is not going to erase that.  Children should never, ever find themselves in a church or ministry setting where they are within reaching distance of a known predator.  When that happens, the adults around them have failed.  Our church attenders should not have to search their internet to find out that a predator is lurking in their pews.  They should have been warned from their pastor already. 

 

3.  We need to protect our children’s sense of modesty.  God equipped children with a desire to be covered.  Remember Adam and Eve in the garden, desperately trying to sew fig leaves together to cover up? During the late toddler years, children begin to demonstrate a natural sense of modesty, even if they are inconsistent about it.  Our four-year-old will race out into the living room stark naked to ask a question—and then return to his room and dress in the closet “so you don’t see me”! 

 

The trouble for most kids is that their natural inhibitions have been stripped away.  The mistake begins long before puberty, when parents encourage small children to become comfortable in provocative dress.  When I see a thirteen-year-old girl walking down my street with short shorts and the word “hotty” blazing from the back side, my heart breaks:  The inhibitions that God created in her to make her uncomfortable under the gaze of questionable characters were clearly lost a long time ago.   

 

While our girls need to be taught to preserve their purity in their behavior and dress to please the Lord, maybe I can appeal to you on an even more basic human level.  Mothers, do you understand that it’s not just good-looking boys who are staring?  I once asked a class of teen girls, “What would you wear to the mall if you knew there was an offender standing at the doorway watching you?”  I think we had every answer from turtlenecks to raincoats.  I said, “Girls, they are there.”  We are surrounded by people whose twisted minds want to see our children and women as objects, not precious creations of God.  While we don’t need to do raincoats, I think we can do much better than “hotty” shorts and tight stretchy tee-shirts.  Protect your kids from the inside out. 

 

4.  We need to teach our kids to disobey adults who abuse trust.  No adult—no teacher, relative, teenager, camp counselor, pastor, family friend, or church attender—has the right to touch you in ways that are uncomfortable or to discuss things with you that are personal.  We need to empower our children with honest conversations that begin very young.  The terminology grows with their maturity, but even small toddlers can be reminded at bath time which parts of their bodies Jesus has said no one should touch. 

 

Additionally, we need to help our kids learn to listen to their own “alarm systems.”  Help your kids to believe their own sense of fear.  It’s a gift from God, and they ought to be prepared to run.  We jump up when we smell smoke, right?  If your child is uncomfortable around someone, believe her.  It doesn’t mean that she has been violated, but she is detecting that something isn’t adding up in the character of that adult or teenager.   Parents, let’s not allow our loyalty to friends and family supersede our mandate to protect our kids.  Stop trying to please other people.  We need to be willing to dissolve or limit relationships with people who pose a threat to our kids.  Watch out for adults who “hug too long,” or who seem forceful with their affection.  They are revealing a heart that disrepects the personal space and rights of the vulnerable.  And it goes without saying that our children need to avoid people who are into pornography.    

 

5.  Practice getting kidnapped.  Self-defense experts tell us that the most effective way to get away from someone who is trying to pull you is to scream and to fall down on the ground.  The kidnapper is unlikely to bend over and carry you (especially an older child or teenager).  Dead weight is hard to kidnap.  Secondly, once you are down, you can grab feet—or support beams, shopping carts, racks of Pepsi, or whatever is handy.  A chilling surveillance video from a kidnapping in Florida quite a few years ago showed a pre-teen girl at a gas station walking reluctantly as her kidnapper took her wrist.  Practice the principle of “Not One Step”:  Do not take a single step in the direction your assailant wants you to go.  Just drop to the floor.  If he wants me in his car, he’s going to have to carry me like an infant—a screaming, kicking, biting, eye-poking, hair-pulling, neck-strangling, clawing infant.  When I’m done with that guy, he’ll be asking for the death penalty to put him out of his misery.  My kids get so excited imagining doing that to a kidnapper that they almost long for an abduction. 

                                

6.  Set a standard of appropriate behavior as a reference guide.  If you are a single mom or dad, find an adult of the opposite gender that you can hold up to your kids as an example of “normal.”   When we compare the behavior of other men to Dad, it is suddenly very clear where the predatory behavior is showing up.  Dad would never tell a dirty joke (period!), and he certainly would never say something personal to anyone of any age.  He would never initiate a hug with anyone outside his family, and never toward a teen girl who wasn’t his daughter. When the kids at church come to him for a hug, he is very quick to offer a handshake instead.  We need to remind our kids what “normal” looks like and help them see that they do not need to compromise that standard out of “mercy,” whether it’s for an old man at the nursing home or a babysitter.  Our most vulnerable victims are children whose reference guide is skewed by inappropriate conduct in their homes to begin with. 

 

7.  We need to protect our kids from images that destroy their sense of decency.  The internet and TV can jade our kids—not just the porn sites, but ads, youtube videos, Facebook photos, the news (thanks, Miley).  It’s not enough just to say, “You know that’s bad, right?”  Those images affect our kids.  The internet and movies are teaching way too many kids that it’s normal to be half-naked (or worse) around a camera.  Criminologists are familiar with the practice of predators to use movies to densensitize victims to debauchery.  Let it not be said that parents had already done their job for them. 

 

 

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,

saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil,

to give you and expected end.”  Jeremiah 29:11