Enjoying Our Children

In my parents’ photo album from 1974 is a fading picture  of my mother holding my baby brother and me.  I think it must have been Brian’s first birthday, and whoever took the picture (probably my dad) caught Mom in the middle of laughing.  It was always my favorite picture as I was growing up.  Most of our other pictures were actually taken by Mom, so she doesn’t make very many cameo appearances into our albums.  And even then, like most families, we tended to stop and smile for the camera instead of catching people in the middle of laughing at a funny event. 

 

My early reaction to that picture teaches me how much my kids long to be enjoyed.  I loved seeing my mom having so much fun with us.   Of all the responsibilities that we have with our children, and all of the life-lessons we find ourselves working on while the precious years seem to grow wings and fly away, one of the most important and most overlooked is the value of enjoying our children.  Kids yearn to be enjoyed.  They like to be around people who seem to appreciate their personalities and funny little quirks, people who aren’t constantly embarrassed when they act like normal children.  As our children grow older, they will someday find their way back to the people who actually liked them.  Clean carpets, hot dinners, and signed homework papers tell only part of the story of our parenting.  Do you really like your kids?  Do you enjoy their company?  And do they know it?

 

In the busy pace of our lives, many times this can seem like an option rather than a mandate.  We work so hard to keep food on the table, insurance bills paid, and braces on teeth.  We need to hurry up and get the yard done before company comes, and then we have projects around the house before the weather turns cold.  Before we know it, the seasons have clipped by, each with their own demands, and our children grow up without that picture in their mind of a mom laughing in a bear hug with the baby on her lap and a little girl admiring her smile.  Is there any way to capture the moments more carefully, so that our children feel cherished? 

 

1.  Be deliberate with gifts. 

 

It is easy to shower our children with things, until their shelves and closets are overflowing with “stuff” that will soon finds its way into a garage sale or a Goodwill donation box. 

 

Several years ago, we made a decision to give our kids the option of having an activity with us rather than tangible gifts for their birthday.  Since they had already received gifts for their birthday up until that point and might be looking forward to opening presents, we left it optional. But most of our kids have happily chosen activities over gifts. 

 

What we discovered was that we often needed that extra incentive to make the commitment of time and money for creative family adventures.  We are busy—often maddeningly so.  Jason works a regular bus route, in addition to pastoring a small church.  During the school year, it is not uncommon for him to work 70 hours a week of bus and ministry work.  Truthfully, we do not have the time or money for trips to the zoo, Cardinals games, archery ranges, the Science Center, or an all-day adventure on an eight-man raft down the Merrimac.  But the memories we have made--when we did things we didn’t have time for and found ways to sacrifice and pay for them!  Whatever toys we would have bought our kids five years ago would probably be in a Salvation Army by now, but instead we have the bond of shared memories together.

 

2. Catch time alone with your kids in small segments. 

 

Before we had any children, we used to talk about the fun things we would do with our kids.  I remember envisioning “daddy dates” and time alone with our children, just enjoying them.  Within a few short years, we were having new babies almost every other year!  Our exhaustion and our schedule made those dreams seem unrealistic.  Every trip to the store had an urgent purpose, and free time was usually spent catching a coveted rest until the baby woke up for a feeding.  Magazine articles about mothers who took their daughters on weekends away to a hotel, or stories about father-son camping excursions seemed frustratingly out of our reach. 

It was at that season of our lives that we invented what seemed ridiculously simple.  It was desperate attempt at catching minutes with our kids alone.  We named it “Ten Minutes,” and the simplistic name is self-explanatory.  Our older children were all at elementary age then, and they were learning how to wash the dishes. Each day of the school week, one of the older five was assigned to help with dishes.  Whoever was on dishes duty was privileged to get ten minutes of staying up later than the other kids and playing any game or reading any book they wanted with Dad and Mom.  We still laugh about all the times Jessica made us put together her Strawberry Shortcake puzzle—week, after week, after week.  Stories, Uno, Stratego, Junior Monopoly—they all made their way into our “Ten Minutes” arsenal.  As the kids grew, the ten minutes seemed to morph into 20 and 30.  But by then we didn’t care, because we realized how quickly time was fleeting. 

 

As the kids got older, “Ten Minutes” faded away.  They started staying up as late as we did (sometimes later), and the privilege of playing “Sorry!” at 8:30 had lost some of its luster.  Now we are working to recreate it with our younger boys.   When else do you play darts with your eleven-year-old?  There is always something that seems more important.  And suddenly, the kids are all grown up, and we realize that there really was nothing more important on those nights than catching the minutes—even just ten of them--before they slipped by.   

 

3.  Eat together as a family.

 

Every family schedule is different, and the Lord will have to show you when and how often to make this happen.  But sitting around a table fellowshipping is golden.  The dinner hour is often a “debriefing.”  Life throws some pretty crazy curveballs at us.  Our kids need a place to tell their stories and to gain perspective on things they have seen, heard, and felt throughout the day.  Some days it just feels better to sit and laugh about the events that transpired.  Meal times teach our children how to behave at a dinner table and how to be thankful for everything they are given.  Since I lean pretty heavily on my “dishes chart,” we often ask whoever is doing dishes that night to also help with preparing supper.  Additionally, the person who does Friday dishes has a special treat:  That’s the only night we make dessert, and they get to choose it, prepare it, and (of course) lick out the bowl.  “Friday dishes” is a coveted position around here! 

 

4.  Let your kids participate in family devotions. 

 

Whatever name you choose for your family Bible time, be sure that it’s not just a Lecture Series where the parents do all the talking.  Jason usually reads the Bible, and then he asks our kids to take turns reading a short article or chapter about missions.  We also keep a prayer list of names of our family, church members, and ministries to pray for regularly.  Jason will often assign a prayer request for each person to remember.  Josh always asks to pray for his favorite cousin—although we have had to cut our prayer time short a few times because everyone was laughing about whatever Josh decided to pray.  (Josh should probably have to pray last from now on!)

 

The other great benefit of having a family worship hour is that it’s a great opportunity to teach our kids how to think.  Many kids growing up in Christian homes know what to think, but not how.  Where does the Bible specifically say that it’s wrong to use cursing and profanity?  Why should Christians marry other Christians?  How do you know what God wants you to do someday with your life?  Examining social issues and current events from a Biblical perspective is good for our kids, too.  Does the Bible have anything to say about what happened in Ferguson, Missouri last week?  What if you were a Christian living in Syria right now, and you were threatened with your life for not converting to Islam?  Family conversations about the Bible remind our children that the Bible isn’t just an old Book; it’s a very relevant, current, and living Book.    

 

5.  Save time for relationships by encouraging independence. 

 

One of the reasons we moms sometimes do not have much time to be with our kids is that we are simply doing too much for them.  There are several important benefits to encouraging independence in our children.

 

First, it teaches children to value the work of others.  People who have not had to work hard for themselves rarely appreciate the work that others do for them.  It seems that it is often the hardest working people I know who are quick to say, “I don’t want to take much of your time on the phone today,” or who stop to thank me for some effort.  They value work because they know the cost personally. 

 

Secondly, independence teaches personal responsibility.   About a year ago, I came to the conclusion that although laundry is time-consuming, it really is not hard.  Therefore, it is not unreasonable to ask a ten-year-old (or his older siblings) to do laundry.  And that day, our kids inherited the job of doing their own laundry.  To be honest, I don’t really think about my kids’ laundry any more.  Every few days, I notice someone lugging their laundry bag over to the washer to wash their clothes, but it’s not my job any more.  I don’t keep track of it.  In fact, when we went to my parents’ house this summer and spent four days with my family (23 people under one roof!), a pair of unclaimed boys’ underwear showed up in the bathroom.  Someone asked if it belonged to one of my boys, but I said I had not seen it before.  Turns out, it was ours!  It had come in a bag of hand-me-downs along the way, and because I couldn’t remember ever washing it, I didn’t recognize it! 

 

My kids will tell you that laundry is not that much work when it’s just one load.  They pay closer attention to stains, and they do not change clothes every ten minutes like they used to!  J   Are you wearing yourself out working for your kids? 

 

Thirdly, independence is empowering.  Raising children with unnecessary dependence on their parents is selfish.  We mothers can find great fulfillment in meeting our children’s every need, but when our fulfillment strangles our children’s ability to grow, learn, and achieve, then we are living for ourselves.  Whether we like to admit it or not, our children are secretly much more interested in showing us what they can do than hearing about all the things that we can do for them.  Have you ever heard an adult bragging to a group of kids about how terrific they were (twenty-five years ago) at sports, music, school, or some other achievement?  The kids listen with a bored and barely tolerant expression.  All they want to do is get ahold of that football and see if they can throw it to the other side of the yard too.  We need to use our strengths to strengthen the ones coming behind us, not to clutch our trophies and force ourselves back into the limelight. 

 

6.  Beware of the Time Snatchers. 

 

I confess that I have never watched “Revenge of the Body Snatchers,” but I have had way too much experience with Time Snatchers.  Here’s the problem with Time Snatchers:  When someone or something steals my time, they are often stealing from my children. 

 

Sometimes people just don’t realize how much they are asking.  If we are less than honest about our time constraints or the promises we have made to our children, we are enabling someone else to encroach on time that rightfully belongs to our kids.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to please other people.  But remember:  When we give to others more than the Lord has asked us to give, we often are borrowing from our children’s Time Account.  And it’s very, very hard to pay that account back. 

 

Sometimes in ministry, there is the added temptation to give away our family time too freely because we are consumed with the needs of others.  We are deceived into thinking that we can afford to ignore our family’s needs while helping others.  I think most pastors’ families are much like ours—constantly surrounded by pressing needs.  It is easy for people who are not involved in ministry to underestimate how much their pastor is doing.  They want his attention, or his family’s attention, not realizing how crunched a pastor is for time and rest.  Those who serve faithfully alongside the pastor don’t have this false expectation.  They see him on Wednesday evening, at fellowships, and in other areas of service.  But for those who don’t understand this dilemma, sometimes we just have to be honest and gently say no. 

 

But it’s not just people, is it?  “Time Snatchers” can be things—hobbies, books, talking on the phone, Facebook, Pinterest, and shopping.  It’s hard to enjoy our children when we allow ourselves to feel distracted all the time.  Parenting takes energy and creativity.

I remember when Jonathan was a preschooler, playing in the backyard.  He was always coming to ask me to play with him.  He wanted to show me his castle in the sandbox, or a toad, or a how fast he could run.  It seemed that every day I was saying, “Just a minute.  Let me get this done first.”  And then the time would fast-forward, while I washed dishes, changed diapers, and sorted laundry.  One day as I gave Jonathan my usual answer, the Lord pricked my heart with a most painful reminder, “Someday he will stop asking.”  

 

And yours will too.  Enjoy them now.  Go out to the sandbox.  Laugh at their funny stories.  Make a fort, and eat dry cereal under the kitchen table.  Put down your phone, turn off the TV, and get off Facebook.  Don’t get a babysitter every time you go to the grocery store.  Let them stir the bowl, and set out the napkins, and push the button that makes the dryer start.  Let them into your life. 

 

A visiting evangelist once advised me, as my 6-year-old son followed him around all week chattering non-stop, “Listen to them now, and they will listen to you later.”  Great advice.