Suitable Helpers

In defiance of the ice and snow storms bearing down on us, we had Little League sign-ups yesterday.  Spring is scheduled to arrive, whether winter agrees or not.  And when it does, you will find Valentin boys in the baseball fields.

When our kids first started playing baseball and softball, we noticed that early players have a complete misunderstanding of their job in the field.  Left-fielders, right-fielders, and center-fielders would notoriously stand in “their spot” and watch balls fly past them—sailing through the air or bouncing past them on the ground.  When coaches and spectators would call out to them, “That was your ball!” the kids would stare back in confusion.  “My ball? But it wasn’t in my spot!” –as though the ball and the glove had to have some sort of magnetic relationship that would ping the baseball directly into the glove, just like it does on the Wii.  It took a few practices (or even seasons . . .) to convince some of those little players that fielding is a running sport.  You go where the ball is.  It rarely (if ever) comes right to you.  

 
As wives, we are defined in the Bible by our mission.  Like a fielder whose job is defined by where he stands in a game, we are defined as “helpmeets” to our husbands.  Modern usage has reduced that to one word, but in the Bible it is actually two words:  “help” and “meet,” or “helper suitable.”  Suitable helper. 

 
Don’t let the broadness of “suitable” be mistaken for ambiguity.  It’s a big field out here, but that’s not meant as an excuse to miss the ball.  It just means that your job involves a lot of running. 

 
Sometimes the baseball is hit high in the air—sailing well over the heads of infielders into a beautiful, predictable arch that gives us fielders lots of time to anticipate its landing and position ourselves.  Those are the easy catches.  Batters hardly have a chance on those. 

 
But sometimes that ball flies crazy.  It might crash into foul territory, out of reach of the third baseman.    We’re supposed to be there—and get him out on the foul.  Sometimes it hits the ground so fast the pitcher misses it—and so does the second baseman.  Bouncing crazily, ricocheting off every rock and dip in the field, it’s like catching a bullet in a pinball machine.  We’re supposed to be there, too, and get the batter out at second.   

 
Every swing takes a different turn.  A tall player gets up to bat, and we all take a step back.  But then he hits it just between the second baseman and the shortstop.  We have to sprint to catch up to the ball and “be there” for that one too. And sometimes the catcher gets wild and overthrows the third baseman.  That’s ours too--get it back into the infield. 

 
In the heat of a July game, it’s tempting to whine about how things are going.  “The other guys keep hitting the ball over our heads!  And my teammates make so many mistakes!”  But you are the fielder, right?  You get every ball.  Stop reading about other ball games, where everything went perfectly well, the hits all landed in mitts, and no one even had to break a sweat.  This is your game, and you are ready for anything.  You are “suitable.” 

 
It doesn’t do any good to complain about where the ball landed.  So you were expecting it to come to your mitt?  But it didn’t.  We have to race after it, even though this isn’t the game we might have thought we were signing up for.  The game has taken a turn from when it first started?  We have to adjust and sprint anyway.   

 

Every game is different.  My game is different from your game.  “Suitable” means you do what it takes to help.  Some husbands need an accountability partner for their drug rehab.  Others need someone who can hold down the fort while he travels on back-to-back business trips.  Wherever the baseball is hit—you catch it.  That’s your job.  After a while this job can begin to seem impossible:  No player is perfect, and this season is all game—no practices. 

 

True.  But have you met our team’s Owner?   

 

Unlike any other owner in baseball, He doesn’t have box seats with air-conditioning and steak dinners, where He and His friends can critique and cheer and celebrate.  This Owner stands in the field with you.  When that baseball is coming at you at 120 miles per hour, he runs with you and helps you stop it.  When it’s 98 degrees outside, and the other fans have gone home, and nothing in the game seems to be going right, He gives you the strength, the speed, and the precision to catch the ball.  Every. Time. 

 

To be honest, some of the baseball games out there intimidate me.  Some of you are locked in marriages that break my heart.  Past mistakes haunt you—from offender registries or DUI mug shots still posted online.  Substance abuse, anger, pornography, mental illness, gambling addictions—the tragedies seem endless.  I have cried and prayed with you, and walked away haunted by your stories.  Lurking beneath the surface, the doubt whispers, “This too?  Can God handle this too?”   

 

But I know our Owner.  He paid an incredible price for this team:  His own life.  For those who have asked Jesus Christ to be their Savior, His promise is not hollow:

 

“According as His divine power hath given unto us

all things that pertain unto life and godliness . . .”  (II Peter 1:3).

 

All things.  It’s all there.  Whatever you and I need to be a “suitable” helper, ready to help our husbands as God wants us to--we’ve got it!  Not in ourselves, by personality or education, but through Jesus.   

 

If your husband is a pastor, with huge pressures on his time, finances, and marriage—you’ve got what you need to be a great pastor’s wife.  If your husband is disabled and needs you to take care of him 24/7—you’ve got what it takes to be a strong, cheerful caregiver.  If your husband has addictions that are tearing apart your family, you have what it takes to be creative and wise in your solutions, to protect yourself and your children without compromising your marriage vows.  If your husband is crippled by emotional handicaps, God has given you everything you need to obey the Biblical command and be a suitable helper. 

 

So, however your game is going, and wherever that ball gets hit—whoever your husband is, and whatever your marriage challenges are:  If you are a Christian, you have everything it takes to be a suitable helper: 

 

Through Jesus. 

 

Pondering Pronouns

We Yankees like to tease our Rebel friends for their favorite word:  “Ya’ll.”  But to be truthful, we’re just secretly jealous that we didn’t think of it first.  What an amazing word!  Not only are there NO rules pertaining to usage (how cool is that?), but it’s like a universal part:  It works anywhere. 

 

Sometimes it’s a subject:  “Are ya’ll going to the game tonight?” 

Sometimes it’s an object:  “I’d just like to thank ya’ll for coming to my party!” 

And sometimes it’s even possessive:  “Is ya’lls coffee hot enough?” 

 

Sadly, for many years, there was no such word up North.  But we’re a persistent bunch, here in the land of blowing snow, tornadoes, and unsweetened tea.  Over time, we finally landed on an alternative:  “you guys.”  Although it can seem mildly offensive to people who resist being called “guys,” you need to understand something about the North:  Everyone is a guy.  You’re a guy; I’m a guy; Grandma’s a guy.  Everybody’s a guy.  Little action figures are “army guys.”  Cereal box toys, Little People, Lego men, Baseball figures—they’re all just “guys”.  Your hamster is a cute “little guy,” and your neighbor’s Doberman is a “big guy.”  The jogger down the road is a “running guy,” and the garbage collector is a “trash guy.” When your fridge breaks down, you call the “repair guy,” and when your laptop gets a virus you call the “computer guy.”  It may not be as endearing as “ya’ll,” but that’s just what the Civil War got us. 

 

So you guys—what about “your” and “you’re”?   For those who stubbornly INSIST on proper usage, instead of the vernacular, here are some quick and easy ways to keep those pronouns straight: 

 

 

1.  “Your” is possessive--and it never, ever gets to have an apostrophe. 

Life is just not fair that way.  So if you say “yours,” leave off the apostrophe.  There is no such thing as “your’s.”    

 

          “This land is my land. This land is your land.”   

          “Yours truly,  Abe Lincoln ” 

 

2.  “You’re” is always replacing the more formal “you are.” 

The apostrophe is literally replacing a missing letter (“a”) in the word “are.” 

 

          “You’re my best friend .”

 

In one sentence, here’s how they look together: 

 

        “You’re not the only one who is affected by your temper.” 

 

*********************************************************

 

Now that we tackled that, let’s move on to something even bigger.  Put on your mask:  The grammar’s getting pretty thick in here . . .

 

There.  Their.  They’re.

 

These three words sound exactly the same but have completely unrelated meanings.  (If you never felt sorry for immigrants trying to learn our crazy language, today is a good day to start.)

 

1.  “There” always means “not here.” 

It even has “here” tucked in there, as a helpful clue.

 

          “The game will not be held here; it is over there.”     

                                      

2.  “They’re” always means “they are.” 

Again, that apostrophe is warning us of a missing letter. 

 

          “They’re coming at 5:00.”   

 

3.  “Their” is always possessive (showing ownership). 

This is the plural form of “his” and “her”.    

 

          “Their car has a huge dent in the side.”

 

Again, add an “s” if you must, but leave off that apostrophe: 

 

          “I think that dog might be theirs.” 

 

 

 

For fun, this is what a sentence looks like with all three forms used together:

 

        They’re over there shopping for their school outfits. 

 

See?  That wasn’t so bad.  Ya’ll did great!  And you guys too.  J

Deacon Fund Application

We have had several people ask for copies of our Deacon Fund Application, for use in their churches.  Anyone who asks for financial assistance from our church fills this out and returns it to our deacon at an actual church service. 

First, we ask the person to attend at least one church service before their application will be considered, which allows us to give the gospel and not just monetary assistance.   It also protects us from those who would try to demand immediate assistance, without giving us time to think or pray about the situation. 

Secondly, our deacon reviews all the applications and makes the final decision.  My husband is the pastor, and I am usually the one who answers the phone when someone calls for help.  Jason and I do not make any of the decisions regarding how the money is spent (since it was the deacons of the early church who distributed to the needy).  We do not count offerings or keep track of who tithes.   This has been very liberating for me, since most people would be tempted to try to manipulate me into giving them money.  Since I do not have access to any of the money in our church, I am able to tell them to come to the next service and fill out the application.  It has also allowed me to explain to people why it matters so much for them to hear the gospel.  I remind them, "One hundred years from now, it will not matter to you that we gave you a bag of groceries.  It will matter to you that we showed you how to know for sure that you are going to heaven."  

DEACON FUND APPLICATION

The Deacon Fund is an important ministry of Believers Baptist Church.  It exists to help those who are truly in financial need due to unexpected circumstances.  We believe that the best way we can help the needy is by (1) introducing them to our Savior, Jesus Christ; (2) meeting immediate necessities; and (3) helping them to establish financial responsibility.  If you would like to be considered for help from the Deacon Fund, please complete and return this form in person when you attend one of our services.  After we receive this form, we will contact you within a week. 

 

1.  Personal  information: 

 

Name:  ___________________________________________________________________

 

Address (street, city, state, zip) ________________________________________________

 

Phone number:  __________________________________________

 

2.  Do you currently attend church?  ______________ If so, where? ______________________

 

3.  How many adults live at the home? _________________  How many children?  _______

 

4.  Are you employed?  ________________  If so, where?  ______________________________

 

5.  Do you use:  Cigarettes?  _________   Alcohol?  ___________  Drugs?  _______________

 

6.  Have you applied to the Carrollton Ministerial Alliance or other organizations for this need?  _________________

 

7.  Are you receiving public aid of any kind (LINK, WIC, Medicaid, etc.)?  __________________

 

8.  Would you be willing to let our church help you establish a financial budget?  _____________

 

9.  Briefly explain the circumstances that have led to your need for financial assistance:  ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

10.  I have filled out this application honestly and accurately. 

 

Applicant’s signature:  __________________________________________________

 

Date:  ___________

What Bossy Big Sisters Know about Parenting

I admit it:  I was (and maybe still am) the bossy big sister.  While it didn’t always serve me very well when I tried out my administrative skills on my brothers, there are a few things I learned from my vast experience at making demands and executing orders (at least until my brothers grew taller than me). 

 

There is a reason why oldest children are statistically more likely to hold a position of authority in a company, and maybe part of it is that we have had more time to learn from our managerial mistakes.  Our rebellious little subjects (also known as “siblings”) had a few lessons for us over the years.  Here have been a few of mine: 

 

1.  Make Only Credible Threats.

 

As the oldest child, I was technically the landowner of everything in our whole house, since I had been there first (26 months, to be exact).  Therefore I viewed my brothers as “squatters,” nomadic little gypsies who had suddenly appeared on the premises without any of their own capital, borrowing property without my express permission. 

 

One day, I went downstairs and noticed my brothers playing with a toy I wanted.  When they refused to turn it over to my custody, I was forced to make the following very sad announcement:  “Today I will be running away.” 

 

The response I got was amazing!  Eric started crying, and Brian handed over the toy without argument.  I was Queen for the Day!  Or at least the hour.  When I went back later to try that line again, Brian’s exact words (and I’m quoting here) were:  “Go ahead.”  He actually said that!  I had hoped he might miss me a little. But alas, he had called my bluff.  To my memory, that wonderful line was never able to be used again.

Every time I hear a mom at Walmart say, “If you don’t stop that, I’m leaving you in this store!”  a little voice from my childhood springs up in my head.  “Go ahead.”  At McDonald’s playland, when some mother announces (to everyone in hearing distance), “You kids get down right now, or I’m leaving you here all night!”, I hear him chirping again.  “Go ahead.”  When she threatens to mail the children to Beijing for arguing in the car, or call the police on a six-year-old who won’t pick up his bookbag, or send them to boarding school for not making their beds, he snorts.  “Go ahead.” 

 

Experienced debaters know to put forth their best arguments first.  When parents start out with a lie, they not only discredit their own honesty, but they are also announcing to the world that they don’t have any better argument for making their child obey than a pretty wild tale no one really believes.  Surely we have better reasons for our kids to mind us. 

 

2.  Turn off the Tears

 

It’s hard to believe, but my brothers once accused me of crying on purpose to persuade Mom to side with me.  (Imagine that!)  Sometimes I was really crying real tears, too!  Apparently crying manipulatively once (or twice . . .) ruled out the remote possibility that I might be sincere on occasion.   My brothers had hearts of stone. 

 

It sounds spiritual—standing in the kitchen, Bible in hand, weeping quietly as you tell the pre-pubescents why it pains your heart when they argue over whose turn it is to lick out the brownie bowl.  You close with a short hymn and a prayer—and they glare at one another with the silent accusation, “You are a bad brother.  You just made Mom cry!”  They are truly sad.  The second time tears are invoked, they are embarrassed.  Why is she crying again?  It was a math paper!  The third time, they are angry.  This is starting to smell like manipulation. 

 

Remember, if you and I cry every time someone complains about doing dishes, we are just dulling our knives for the real work that lies ahead, when much bigger tasks arise-- issues much more worthy of our tears.  By then, our kids will be desensitized to seeing us cry.  There is a place for a mother’s tears.  Just don’t let your kids get used to seeing them for petty things. 

 

3.  Big Messes don’t always equal Big Sins

 

We once had a babysitter who would come to watch us on occasion while our parents went out.   Since she happened to be having a crush on our next door neighbor, we sometimes enjoyed an evening of independence, fighting and chasing each other around the property while Betsy tried to get Bob’s attention in the back yard.  On one of those evenings, my brother Brian took a shortcut over the edge of the flower bed while he was racing around and accidentally stepped on a tulip.  Tragically, a flower actually died that night.  It was the saddest sight:  I even made my mom a card about it, knowing she would be devastated and would need to hear the news from me personally.  My card included illustrations (to identify exactly which flower had perished) and pictures of large tear drops. It was a sort of sympathy card, in honor of the passing away of a flower.   My mom thought it was so hilarious she saved the card (not exactly the response I was expecting).  They even let my brother stay in the family. 

 

Big messes don’t always mean big sins.  When I see parents tearing into their kids for a spilled cup of milk (big mess), but ignoring rolled eyes, sullen attitudes, and rudeness (big sins), I am reminded of my panic over a tulip.  Some kids have heard more about tracked mud, kool-aid stains, and toppled vases than they have about their ipod music, their treatment of siblings, or their inappropriate innuendos and pictures on Facebook.  Do we discipline more for inconvenience and carpet stains than we do for real sin? 

 

4.  Micromanagers don’t get no respect. 

 

Being the only sister in our family, I had my own room.  It was Control-Freak Heaven.  The dolls always wore clothes, and even the items in my drawers were arranged in length-order.  As early as the third grade, I alternated between organizing my book shelf by author (alphabetically) and height (short to tall).  And no one touched my stuff. 

 

One Sunday afternoon, after making sure that everything in my bedroom passed final white-glove inspection , I ventured out to the living room to read the Sunday comics.  Something about my room tempted Brian.  Being a little more “arbitrary” in his system of order, he enjoyed upsetting the balance of nature every so often.  This happened to be one of those days.  He found a little tub where I kept fake money.  (You never know when you might need a $500.00 bill.)  Each bill was carefully pressed and rubber-banded according to denomination, and the coins were literally balanced in perfect columns, according to their fake values, like some sort of art exhibit.  It was the perfect storm.

 

Lying on the floor reading Family Circus, I was suddenly baptized with counterfeit money, thanks to Brian.  My precious little plastic coins flew everywhere, flooding down upon me and bouncing off the comic strip page.  Would you believe I cried over that?  I think perfectionism might be a form of sickness.  (Good news:  My house today indicates that I am fully recovered.)    

 

 I feel sorry for kids who have to live in sanitized museums.  I’m not talking about getting rid of cockroaches; I’m talking about getting rid of crayons because they pose too much hazard. Houses are havens, not show-and-tell exhibits.  Kids are supposed to build forts with blankets, desks, and chairs, and make castles out of blocks, legos, and Lincoln Logs.  There are supposed to be books facedown on end tables, and the occasional stray sock where a toddler got too warm from jumping on the bed (when no one was looking).  Remember, only hospitals have walls without fingerprints.  And if you don’t have any popcorn under your sofa, you need to work on that. 

 

I learned all that—way back when I used to be Queen of the World.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Protecing Our Children's Innocence

I found myself reading another story recently:  Another church facing unsavory publicity because they did not handle a predator correctly.  The abuse continued, a man is in jail, children have been scarred for life, and a pastor has more questions than answers right now. 

 

What can we do to protect our children from this poison?  This does not have to be inevitable!  Here are seven things we adults can do to protect the innocence of these children God has entrusted to us: 

 

1.  Pray.  “The horse is prepared against the day of battle, but safety is of the Lord.”  (Proverbs 21:31).  God is not discounting the preparation, but He is emphasizing His own power in this battle.  We need to pray for our kids every day.  Pray for wisdom—God promises to give it (James 1:5).  Pray that sin will be exposed and judged.  Pray that our children will be safe from evil people who would serve as instruments of Satan.    

 

 

2.  Handle things God’s way in the church.  I’m amazed at how poorly many churches handle this issue.  This is our world, and this issue is not going away.  If churches and ministries would use wisdom on an administrative level, our children will be safer to begin with. 

 

Galatians 6:1 commands the spiritual people in the church (not necessarily just the pastor) to “restore” sinners. Ladies, you and I are generally not part of the decision-making structure of the church, but most of us have found an audience with our husbands.  Please urge your husband, and pray for your pastor, not to hide this sin in the church.  To put it bluntly:  If a sex offender attends your church, he ought to be identified by name and photo to every member.  Some churches do not allow predators to attend at all, or to attend when children are present.  Those are also wise steps that reflect a serious attitude toward the situation. 

 

But other churches and ministries are hiding these individuals and keeping their secret for them.  Trying to restore a predator by allowing him to be surrounded by children publically, with no warning to parents, is like trying to restore an alcoholic by letting him live in a beer garden.  Certain sins bring with them a bondage to addiction.  A heroin abuser must acknowledge his lifelong addiction and therefore surround himself with a strong network.  Predators can repent and get saved, but the addiction is theirs until they go to heaven.  A private Bible study with the pastor is not going to erase that.  Children should never, ever find themselves in a church or ministry setting where they are within reaching distance of a known predator.  When that happens, the adults around them have failed.  Our church attenders should not have to search their internet to find out that a predator is lurking in their pews.  They should have been warned from their pastor already. 

 

3.  We need to protect our children’s sense of modesty.  God equipped children with a desire to be covered.  Remember Adam and Eve in the garden, desperately trying to sew fig leaves together to cover up? During the late toddler years, children begin to demonstrate a natural sense of modesty, even if they are inconsistent about it.  Our four-year-old will race out into the living room stark naked to ask a question—and then return to his room and dress in the closet “so you don’t see me”! 

 

The trouble for most kids is that their natural inhibitions have been stripped away.  The mistake begins long before puberty, when parents encourage small children to become comfortable in provocative dress.  When I see a thirteen-year-old girl walking down my street with short shorts and the word “hotty” blazing from the back side, my heart breaks:  The inhibitions that God created in her to make her uncomfortable under the gaze of questionable characters were clearly lost a long time ago.   

 

While our girls need to be taught to preserve their purity in their behavior and dress to please the Lord, maybe I can appeal to you on an even more basic human level.  Mothers, do you understand that it’s not just good-looking boys who are staring?  I once asked a class of teen girls, “What would you wear to the mall if you knew there was an offender standing at the doorway watching you?”  I think we had every answer from turtlenecks to raincoats.  I said, “Girls, they are there.”  We are surrounded by people whose twisted minds want to see our children and women as objects, not precious creations of God.  While we don’t need to do raincoats, I think we can do much better than “hotty” shorts and tight stretchy tee-shirts.  Protect your kids from the inside out. 

 

4.  We need to teach our kids to disobey adults who abuse trust.  No adult—no teacher, relative, teenager, camp counselor, pastor, family friend, or church attender—has the right to touch you in ways that are uncomfortable or to discuss things with you that are personal.  We need to empower our children with honest conversations that begin very young.  The terminology grows with their maturity, but even small toddlers can be reminded at bath time which parts of their bodies Jesus has said no one should touch. 

 

Additionally, we need to help our kids learn to listen to their own “alarm systems.”  Help your kids to believe their own sense of fear.  It’s a gift from God, and they ought to be prepared to run.  We jump up when we smell smoke, right?  If your child is uncomfortable around someone, believe her.  It doesn’t mean that she has been violated, but she is detecting that something isn’t adding up in the character of that adult or teenager.   Parents, let’s not allow our loyalty to friends and family supersede our mandate to protect our kids.  Stop trying to please other people.  We need to be willing to dissolve or limit relationships with people who pose a threat to our kids.  Watch out for adults who “hug too long,” or who seem forceful with their affection.  They are revealing a heart that disrepects the personal space and rights of the vulnerable.  And it goes without saying that our children need to avoid people who are into pornography.    

 

5.  Practice getting kidnapped.  Self-defense experts tell us that the most effective way to get away from someone who is trying to pull you is to scream and to fall down on the ground.  The kidnapper is unlikely to bend over and carry you (especially an older child or teenager).  Dead weight is hard to kidnap.  Secondly, once you are down, you can grab feet—or support beams, shopping carts, racks of Pepsi, or whatever is handy.  A chilling surveillance video from a kidnapping in Florida quite a few years ago showed a pre-teen girl at a gas station walking reluctantly as her kidnapper took her wrist.  Practice the principle of “Not One Step”:  Do not take a single step in the direction your assailant wants you to go.  Just drop to the floor.  If he wants me in his car, he’s going to have to carry me like an infant—a screaming, kicking, biting, eye-poking, hair-pulling, neck-strangling, clawing infant.  When I’m done with that guy, he’ll be asking for the death penalty to put him out of his misery.  My kids get so excited imagining doing that to a kidnapper that they almost long for an abduction. 

                                

6.  Set a standard of appropriate behavior as a reference guide.  If you are a single mom or dad, find an adult of the opposite gender that you can hold up to your kids as an example of “normal.”   When we compare the behavior of other men to Dad, it is suddenly very clear where the predatory behavior is showing up.  Dad would never tell a dirty joke (period!), and he certainly would never say something personal to anyone of any age.  He would never initiate a hug with anyone outside his family, and never toward a teen girl who wasn’t his daughter. When the kids at church come to him for a hug, he is very quick to offer a handshake instead.  We need to remind our kids what “normal” looks like and help them see that they do not need to compromise that standard out of “mercy,” whether it’s for an old man at the nursing home or a babysitter.  Our most vulnerable victims are children whose reference guide is skewed by inappropriate conduct in their homes to begin with. 

 

7.  We need to protect our kids from images that destroy their sense of decency.  The internet and TV can jade our kids—not just the porn sites, but ads, youtube videos, Facebook photos, the news (thanks, Miley).  It’s not enough just to say, “You know that’s bad, right?”  Those images affect our kids.  The internet and movies are teaching way too many kids that it’s normal to be half-naked (or worse) around a camera.  Criminologists are familiar with the practice of predators to use movies to densensitize victims to debauchery.  Let it not be said that parents had already done their job for them. 

 

 

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,

saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil,

to give you and expected end.”  Jeremiah 29:11

The Danger of Presuming Weakness of our Children

 

In January of 2011, Harvard grad and Yale law professor Amy Chua published her now-famous book, The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.  She was promptly eviscerated in the press for her “harsh” treatment of Western parenting.  Having read the book, I don’t think Mrs. Chua was asking anyone to embrace the Asian model, which seems to lack grace.  But we do well to consider Mrs. Chua’s reproach of our soft Western model.  The author makes a poignant observation that Western  parents “presume weakness of their children.”  That intrigues me.  I hope that these few points, stemming from that simple observation, will be thought-provoking to parents and sharpen us all in our efforts. 

 

1.  Presuming weakness means training our children in the art of “victim-hood.”   The purpose of understanding our quirks and idiosyncrasies ought to be to enable us to overcome, not avoid, hardship.  I once corrected a student at church for behaving wildly, and she responded, “That’s because I forgot to take my medicine.”  Instead of enabling her be a stronger person, her knowledge of all her ailments (and she was well-versed) only enabled her to supply an excuse whenever she behaved poorly.  It was always the medication’s fault, or her lack of sleep, or the busy schedule, or the way a teacher at school was treating her.  This casting off of responsibility tends to follow people into adulthood.  While it is beneficial to understand how our minds and bodies work and how we can help one another, maybe it isn’t serving our children so well to remind them of their “list” of disorders.     

 

2.  Presuming weakness trains our children in a lie.  By intervening too quickly when life throws curveballs to our kids, we communicate to them, “You can’t do this without me.”  Many times our children really could reach higher and surprise us, but being handled with “kid gloves” leaves its mark on a child’s mindset. 

 

 Do you join your child’s side too quickly when they complain of being “mistreated,” or do you encourage them to face their offenders with courage and charity?  The motto for young children is, “Never do for a child what he can do for himself.”  Maybe a good motto for parents of older children would be, “Never do for an older child what you once did for yourself.”   Wading through the inconveniences, hardships, and waiting-periods of life is more than just a “cross we all must bear.”  It’s a strength-building process.  Don’t rob your kids of their life lessons—no matter how old they are. 

 

3.  Presuming weakness sets expectations for adult life that are unrealistic.  Kids who grow up being defended grow up expecting to be pitied.  It’s always the boss’s fault—or the unfair policeman, or the “system.”  Victims crave assistance; leaders crave autonomy.  “The slothful man saith, There is a lion in the way; a lion is in the streets.”  (Prov. 26:13)  Sluggards think they have uniquely hard lives and impossible challenges; leaders accept their lot in life and work through the trials patiently.  We ought to listen to our children:  Do they think they have a harder life than most people?   Are they presuming that they are weaker than the challenges that lie before them, or do they accept the inequities of life and convey an “I can do all things through Christ!” attitude?  (Philippians 4:13)

 

4.  Presuming weakness is our temptation toward the baby of the family.   Let me be transparent:  It’s a bit uncomfortable for me to review the way I parented my older children vs. the way I find myself parenting the “baby” these days.  When Jonathan and Jessica were four, they were the oldest of four children.  I had a toddler and a newborn, and there simply wasn’t time to spoil the twins.  Although they were not perfect, they learned how to dress themselves, put on their own shoes, and sit with a book and wait for me to get the babies ready.  They ran errands around the house, answered the phone, cleaned up their own messes, kept an eye on the baby while I got ready, and were expected to behave in church.  Thirteen years later, it’s easy for me to forget that Josh should be doing those things as well.  Instead, I’ve changed a few of my own rules and bent in favor of Josh’s weaknesses.  It’s just easier to ask one of the older kids to “help him pick up his train set” or to get his shoes and jacket on.  I suspect that he really believes these are hard jobs that can only be accomplished by teenagers!  And why shouldn’t he believe that way?  Now we have the unpleasant task of “un-brainwashing” him.  It would have been easier if I had presumed strength of him (and of myself!) early on instead of taking the easier road. 

 

So thanks to Mrs. Chua for pointing out an unpleasant truth that we would not likely have admitted without her help.  Now to fix the problem! 

Say That Again?

OK, homeschoolers—Listen up!  Not to me, but to your kids.  Are your kids (and mine) settling in to poor speech patterns because we just do not hear them?  Many times we parents are the last to hear mispronunciation or sloppy grammar because we get used to hearing it every day.  Here are a few difficulties that I have observed, in our own family as well as from a few others I have heard.   

 

                   

1.  Have you seen a Valentin lately?  We SPECIALIZE in malocclusion (that’s “buck teeth”, for you lay people).  Six kids with overcrowding and overbites?  We are an orthodontist’s dream and a speech therapist’s nightmare!   

 

At first I was puzzled why all my kids suddenly began mumbling in the fourth grade.  Early home videos showed perfect diction, and then suddenly, I had no idea what my kids were saying.  Besides the fact that they all talk faster than an auctioneer, we had another issue:  They were using their teeth to substitute for their upper lips for certain consonants (b, p, and m).  Say “Mike Mulligan misses Maryanne,” but use your front teeth instead of your upper lip.  Ah-ha.  If your kids are candidates for orthodontic work, maybe you are hearing this bad habit too.  Kids with buck teeth have a harder time reaching around their teeth, and without even meaning to, they use their lips.  (They also start chewing with their mouths open.  Yuck.  Braces are a blessing—and not just to the patient!) 

 

2.  Phonics is our friend.  More and more children are being taught sight-reading, which is basically just memorizing certain spelling words without having to sound them out.  One of my first clues that a child is being taught “sight reading” is the introduction of very advanced words in kindergarten.  For example, if your kindergartener is spelling “kingdom,” I can almost guarantee they are getting sight-reading and spelling.  The actual phonics rules that indicate how to sound out “kingdom” are beyond kindergarten level.  That’s second semester first grade, or even second grade.  Your child just memorized the word, which is certainly handy if your child is a fantastic memorizer. 

 

But remember:  The English language has over one million words, with new words being coined every day, thanks to the influence of technology and immigration.  Wouldn’t it just be easier to learn the simple rules, rather than memorize one million words?  Usually by third grade, the chickens some home to roost.  Kids who were quoting “kingdom” in kindergarten are struggling with “being” and “through”, substituting other words in their places. And here’s where speech comes in:  People who think phonetically will pronounce phonetically.  Have you ever heard someone talk about calling for an “am-blance,” instead of an “am-bu-lance”?  If you’ve read the word phonetically, you will never be tempted to remove that “u.”  The same is true with “breftest” for “breakfast,” “samwich” for “sandwich,” and “birfday” for “birthday.” 

 

Additionally, our internal dialogue is reinforced by good reading.  Kids who are digesting a steady diet of casual, easy reading will never expand their mental dictionary.  What our kids read eventually comes out of their mouths (another good reason to screen the books our kids read!).  When our older kids went through their Bobbsey Twins stage (not necessarily classical literature, but wholesome books anyway), we suddenly started hearing archaic  terms like “keen” and “swell” come out of their mouths!  Their books were 1959 editions, discarded from a public library, and their language was reflecting their reading.  When our daughter read Winston Churchill’s The Gathering Storm for an eighth grade book report last year, I noticed a marked difference in her writing skills.  Good writers stretch us. 

 

3.  “I’d like to buy a vowel!”   . . . or a consonant.  Or a blend.  We need to listen for the missing letters.  One of our kids struggled for a while with the “th” blend, and I’ve noticed this common mistake in other kids also.  Beware of “dat” instead of “that,” “duh” instead of “the”, and we already noted “birfday” instead of “birthday.”  Remind your kids to stick their tongues out a little.  J  Sloppy tongues remind me of dull pencils.  They produce mushy, smudgy sounds rather than distinct letters. 

 

4.  Childhood is so cute, with all of its little mispronunciations.  Who hasn’t chuckled over “pasghetti” or “smashed potatoes”?  Because Josh still says “w” instead of “l,” we have “yewow wegos” instead of “yellow legos.”  When it was cold last spring, he shuddered and said, “It’s weewy cheewy outside. “  It was “really chilly,” but we all had a good laugh.  If Josh were eight, though, we would not be laughing so hard.  We need to be careful of allowing childish cuteness to find its way into big kids’ mouths.  If our children do not have an actual speech impediment, we might need to do a little nagging. Homeschool moms, I’m afraid we might be some of the worst culprits here because we have gotten so used to hearing our kids talk like this that we no longer hear it.  Traditional teachers catch these errors because they have higher expectations.  Maybe we need to raise the bar a little as well.  If a Sunday school teacher or relative constantly has to have an interpretation, we may need to zone in on some areas that need work. 

 

5.  “ARRRRRRRRR!”  Tony the Tiger thinks Frosted Flakes are “GRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!”, but that’s harder than it sounds sometimes.  There are people who honestly cannot say “r”, due to the shape of their pharynx.  If your child is one of them, a speech therapist has much more to offer you than what my little blog can do, and this is not meant to burden you with undue guilt or embarrassment.  But if your child is just sliding into speech patterns that he brought into adolescence from infancy, this may be an area to work on. 

 

6.  Slow. Down.  Maybe our kids are talking too fast, or maybe we aren’t really listening.  Either way, we all could use some air brakes.  As I already confessed, my kids all talk like I do:  Faster than a speeding bullet, but it doesn’t always come out sounding like “Superman.”  Listening to our kids read aloud at family devotions or in school time reveals some of the bad habits they might be developing, and reading out loud to our children reveals pronunciations to them.  More than once, we have come across a word and heard one of our kids exclaim, “Oh—THAT’S how you say it!  I always thought it was a different way!” 

 

The ability to develop complex language is the gift that God gave to man and withheld from the animal kingdom.  Parrots have given it their best shot, but original language is unique to the only creature God gave a soul—because He had a message for that creature.  Salvation is offered to us, and God teaches us about that magnificent gift through His Word.  It matters how our kids talk—not just so they can pass a spelling test or recite a poem.  God has entrusted us to share this message of salvation with our own generation.    

 

“How shall they hear, without a preacher?”  (Romans 10:14)