Be the Mom

A parenting thought: Maybe this will encourage young moms who are just beginning their journey of parenting.

A number of years ago, I had a little girl come on the church van from a very difficult home situation. Because her home life had been complicated by drugs and some of its tragic consequences, she was not familiar with the blessing of loving parameters. Instead of trying to listen to the Bible story, she would run around the room or hide under tables. I finally told her one day that if she continued to just get up and run around, she would not be able to play on the swings after church.

As might be expected, she got up and ran around during story time. When we went to the playground after church, I asked her to stand next to me while I supervised the other children playing. She was extremely startled by this "miscarriage of justice," and she began to cry and wail, "PLEASE, PLEASE change your mind!" I just told her that I do not change my mind, and so she and I stood there together the whole time--watching the children swing while she wailed and cried her misfortune.

The following week, I stopped at her house again to pick her up for Sunday school. As she bounced happily into the van, she paused before getting into her seat and announced with a smile, "Hi, Mrs. Valentin! You don't change your mind!" From then on, she worked much harder at trying to stay in her seat, and I do not recall her ever throwing a fit again when I enforced a rule. And once she discovered that she was not in charge of Junior Church, we had a wonderful time. I was sad when she moved away, because she had become a very special student to me.

It is true that there are times we are forced to admit that we have made a rash or ill-advised decision, and we have to change our minds. We are human, and sometimes we make dumb choices that need to be retracted lest we hurt our kids.

But the majority of our decisions as parents need to be thought through ahead of time and then written in marker, not pencil. If we do not respect our own decisions enough to stand by them, why should our children respect our decisions? If we convey to our children that we will cave in if they cry, scream, throw a fit--or wail at the side of a church playground--we can expect to see that exact behavior repeated over, and over, and over again. Kids are smart: They do what works. If whining, screaming, and pestering work, they will continue to do it.

Jesus told His disciples, "But I say unto you, Swear not at all . . . But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay:" (Matthew 5:34-37). We shouldn't have to swear, "I promise!" or "I REALLY mean it this time!" Our word is our honor. When we say "nay" ("no"), it should stick. Parents who keep their word keep their children's trust and respect.

Sometimes parents think it is OK to change their minds on a whim, as long as they add a dose of hostility to go along with their inconsistency. I've seen moms at the store say "no" a dozen times to a screaming toddler who wants a toy--only to put the toy into their cart with an exasperated, "Oh, FINE! But don't ask for anything else! I'm so sick of your screaming!" The child filters out mom's whiny lecture and takes note: He won the toy.

So be the mom who rarely changes her mind.